Why Do Online Dating Apps Offer Incompatible Matches That Nobody Wants?
Many of my blog subscribers have adult family members using online dating apps without much success, and we talk about it among ourselves—a lot.
This article is based on my opinion of today’s dating apps and how singles currently approach their quest for finding a partner. I’m sure I’m naive, as I haven’t been ‘out there’ for over 40 years, but it seems to me that the current way doesn’t work for many people who are serious about finding a significant other for the long haul. That’s very concerning for society as a whole, isn’t it?
No wonder matchmaking and arranged marriages work in some cultures!
I’m not on dating apps, nor are any of my friends (that I know of). Most of us have had the same partner for double-digit years, while some friends divorced long ago and chose to ‘remain single 'until death do they personally part’ from this world.
Regardless of our personal status, we often talk about what our single family members are going through as they look for that special someone. We’ve concluded that finding a personal match today is emotionally difficult and often disingenuous for all involved. That’s not to say there aren’t successes. There are for sure. But it’s disheartening that so many singles aren’t finding what they want, and they’re exhausted by the whole process.
And the pressure! Building a perfect profile, anticipating who they’ll match with, playing the texting game before a first date is set up, taking deep breaths as they head to the date, and getting disappointed by how little they have in common or the lack of any spark when they meet.
I’ve often found myself thinking, ‘How can something so fundamentally important, that was once far less complicated, back in the day, be addressed differently?
Those Anxiety-Provoking First Dates
As I listen to singles talk about online dating, many commiserate about the process involved and those first dates. Here’s some of what I’ve heard:
The chance of my liking him and him liking me is so slim. It’s all about statistics. The more I date, the higher my chance of finding a partner. But multiple dates a week are exhausting.
I always have to get myself psyched and ready for potential disappointment because that’s what’s happened with all my past dates.
Their picture wasn’t even close to what they really look like.
I need to muster extra energy as I head out to meet someone new. Sometimes my couch sounds so much more appealing than another date.
Dating is expensive, and I feel like lots of women I meet have such high expectations. I’m spending a ton of money on dating, and I’m not sure the cost is worth it.
For this date, I’ll try to be outgoing and funny even though I’m typically shy. They’ll probably be looking for that.
I particularly like this last one. Let’s face it, we all want to be liked. But is it really the best move to give a person what you think they want to see and hear, instead of being the person you really are? Isn’t it better for both individuals to be their true selves? What’s the point of a match that’s based on B.S.?
Dating today sounds like one audition after another for a role that singles aren’t even sure they want. That’s awful.
Online Dating Apps Need A Matchmaker’s Touch
I’ve watched some of those matchmaker shows, and although it’s obvious they are made for TV, I do think there is some truth to a matchmaker’s guidance as she’s trying to make a match. A balding head should not be a deal breaker. Must a man be at least six feet tall? Don’t be ridiculous! Someone who lives a bit outside of your dating radius? Why not if they're a good match? And a parent’s or sibling's input, particularly if the single individual is close to them, is important—not to control a family member’s destination, but because they know their family member sometimes better than that individual knows themselves.
Matchmakers in the U.S. are not commonplace, but even if they were, they wouldn’t be affordable for the average individual. That said, matchmaking guidance on how to date successfully—identifying what to focus on when considering different people—basically some serious pre-screening—would go a long way toward helping people focus on the right candidates.
Are Dating App Algorithms All That Groundbreaking?
Even though I’d love to see dating without our thumbs in charge, that’s unrealistic given the lack of alternatives and the fact that most singles use online dating apps. You have to go where your target audience is. This means, in my opinion, that singles need to adjust how they use traditional online apps by making the platform work for them and not the other way around.
People swipe before they know anything about an individual except their first name, what they look like (hopefully accurate, depending on the photo), and where they live. Plus, the answers they give to questions (that everyone tries really hard to make cute, funny, memorable, etc.) may not tell much about them that is helpful.
Dating apps promote their groundbreaking algorithms as so much better than the competition, but don’t take into account what some professional matchmakers would hone in on in determining compatibility between two individuals.
Personally, I suspect apps don’t ask the right questions. And even if they did, many clients would be less than truthful because of all the non-stop positive positioning and storytelling that everyone now does with their social media accounts. Relevant information for making a compatible match could be captured in a behind-the-scenes, privacy-protected database used only for matching client profiles (but not visible to anyone). Whether the algorithm is good or not doesn’t matter if relevant information—information that is important for matching compatible adults—isn’t captured to begin with.
Also, keep in mind that dating apps are subscription-based. So why would they want to find you a match fast?
What Modern Dating Apps Do Well
Some aspects of online dating apps, in my view, are problematic for a majority of people. That said, conversely, they are quite good at some things.
Here’s a high-level assessment without going deep into the weeds on one site vs. another.
Dating apps (and I’m directing this at singles who use them):
Train people to shop—for people. Some of us are good shoppers, but some of us are not.
Promote an expansive pool of possible matches. So if you don’t like what you see today, you might find someone better tomorrow. This creates a sense that potential partners are abundant and that anyone you meet is replaceable. So if you don’t have an instant connection, or an initial conversation stumbles a bit (leaving no room for nervousness or just an off night), or you don’t like the shirt they chose to wear, you can nix them quickly and move on to the next profile.
Focus on attention, not connection. A new profile can generate some potential matches. Quickly. That’s why so many think dating is a numbers game. The more you see, the better your chances are of finding someone who fits your criteria. But in my opinion, more options have made dating exhausting, not better.
Chase chemistry without checking compatibility. Connections are based on cosmetics (pictures), and profiles don’t go deep enough on highlighting who you (or they) are as an individual. You set up a date based on minimal information.
Keep their algorithms proprietary, so you don’t know what your ‘matches’ are based on. Why should you trust an algorithm? The phrase ‘garbage in, garbage out’ comes to mind, as does broad-brush marketing instead of personalized solutions.
What Singles Can Control
In my opinion, dating apps are useful for meeting other singles, but they are merely a tool. The algorithms don’t work well for identifying compatibility. I don’t care what these apps claim.
That means singles need to take responsibility for their dating woes and stop relying on apps as the Almighty or ‘end all be all.’ And, playing the numbers game is exhausting, and exhaustion isn’t good when you’re trying to find and develop a relationship.
So I’ve pulled together a few recommendations for our single family members and friends using dating apps. Download a free paper, The Art of Dating with Purpose to Find a Compatible Long-term Relationship, at the end of this article.
Singles Don’t Need More Dates — They Need Better Filtering
Going on lots of dates doesn’t make a person successful. It makes them tired. I think fewer dates are fine if they are with more compatible people. It would be nice if we could trust the dating apps to do this, but we can’t, partly because the apps are weak and don’t address compatibility issues, and partly because people don’t complete their profiles honestly.
Dating With Purpose
Many relationship experts advise dating with purpose. This means being intentional and clear about what you are seeking: a meaningful, long-term connection, or just casual fun. It’s about seeking compatibility above all else and aligning with partners who share your core values, life goals, and vision for the future.
It means focusing on quality over quantity through authentic communication and self-awareness. It's about knowing your destination (e.g., marriage, deep partnership) before starting the journey, and using dates as opportunities for genuine discovery rather than aimless wandering. If you (or someone you know) has been on many first dates that haven’t sparked further interest, there’s a good chance there’s some aimless wandering going on.
Dating with purpose is an art form. The "art" lies in balancing your clear objective with vulnerability and authenticity, while enjoying the present moment. It’s allowing for a genuine connection to form within the framework of your purpose. Think of it as mindful exploration, not rigid management, to find a fulfilling, lasting relationship.
Your search will end when you find someone compatible with the authentic you. How will you know you are compatible? Experts commonly cite the same areas of importance for relationship compatibility—core values, communication style, conflict habits, energy rhythms, and lifestyle.
Sound complicated? It doesn’t have to be. Download The Art of Dating with Purpose to Find a Compatible Long-Term Match.
