Birth Order Dynamics

The oldest, the only boy, the middle child, number 4, and the youngest (not necessarily shown in that order.) (Photo: Erik J. Kramer)

Birth order is a funny thing. It doesn’t seem to matter if you’re the oldest, youngest, in the middle somewhere, or a single child. Everyone seems to have an issue with where they landed in the order. Some more than others.

There are five sibs in my family—one boy and four girls. My parents had three kids and then nine years later, had two more in quick succession. I don’t remember any discussions about ‘the order’ until we were grown adults with kids of our own.

One of my sisters (Number 4) can be pretty funny about her terrible lot in life. Here’s how she explains why she doesn’t matter. She refers to herself as ‘Who Cares Number 4.’

• Number 1 (girl)
  She’s the oldest. She gets to do everything first and everyone listens to her.

  (The siblings agree…except Number 1.)

• Number 2 (boy)
  He’s the only boy which means he could never do anything wrong even though he did. Plus, he was definitely mom’s favorite.

  (The siblings agree…except Number 2.)

• Number 3 (girl)
  She’s ‘the’ middle child (not just ‘a’ middle child.) That’s a special designation because people know what it means—you have the same number of siblings older and younger than you. It is definitive like ‘the oldest,’ ‘the youngest’ or ‘the only boy.’

  (This is Number 4’s explanation, however, the other siblings don’t scream ‘that’s not true Number 4!’)

  One additional factoid about Number 3 is that she was the youngest child until she was almost 9 years old. This explains why she acts like the youngest sometimes, demanding attention and sometimes taking no responsibility.

  (The siblings agree…except Number 3.)

  Number 3 did not have a special birth order designation once Number 4 was born. She became the third child in a family with four children. You could call her at this time in her life, ‘a’ middle child but not ‘the’ middle child. Then, a year after Number 4 was born, Number 5 arrived. That’s when Number 3 became ‘the’ middle child.

  (The siblings agree…including Number 3.)

• Number 4 (girl)
  Number 4 is not an only girl, not an only child, not the oldest, and not ‘the’ middle child. She was the youngest for one very short year and she doesn’t remember that year because, well, she was an infant. So she politely states, ‘one year as the baby means nothing because it has no impact on anything’.

  If you ask her where she is in the birth order, she’ll say ‘Who Cares. Number 4.’

  To complicate things further, Number 4 claims that ‘the’ middle child (Number 3) resents her because when Number 4 was born, Number 3 was no longer the youngest child. To add a bit of trauma to the mix, Number 3 is convinced beyond a reasonable doubt, that Number 4 was conceived on Number 3’s 8th birthday. She distinctly remembers that mom and dad went away on her birthday weekend, and it’s clear that’s when they had sex and got pregnant. Number 3 has also done the math and her birthday is exactly (well almost) nine months before Number 4’s birthday. Proof that the no-longer-private conception of Number 4 overshadowed the importance of her 8th birthday.

  (All the siblings laugh because it’s probably true but refuse to discuss it further unless drinks are served in quantity.)

• Number 5 (girl)
  She is the youngest—the baby of the family. She was always coddled.

  (The siblings agree…except Number 5.)

  Number 5 says ‘no one ever listens to me because I’m the youngest.’

  Number 1 then says ‘that’s not true, no one listens to anyone in this family, regardless of birth order.’

  And because this statement was made by Number 1, all of the siblings agree.

  Because everyone listens to Number 1 as mentioned at the beginning of this article.